May 27

I HATE spiders. Every single one. Whether it’s hairy, bald, big, small, I really don’t give a shit. Our lives are better when we don’t see each other and these spiders need to understand that it is for the good of THEIR health that they stay the hell away from me! If not, I will kill them and that is not funny to them, nor me as I spend hours wiping their insides off my freshly painted walls.

I have no idea if it is the weather, or whether I have pissed off the “queen” spider by killing her husband or something, but in the last 6 days I have had 4 spiders appear!!! One was tiny, and as a result was lucky to be put outside and not crushed on the bottom of my shoe. The other 3 however are fucking huge. And even as I write this, there is the daddy-long legs curled up in the corner of my room next to my chest of drawers. And yes, he is STILL alive.  There is something SLIGHTLY  reassuring about them. I think it is because they have such a tiny body. However, I am too scared to put him in a glass, and after spending 15 minutes staring at him with a rolled up magazine in my hand and making no attempt to splatter him against the carpet I’m starting to lose faith……. It’s going to have to be the hoover for this one! And I think I will feel a slight pang of guilt too :( I wonder if he is looking at me now, thinking “I should have jumped on her face when I got the chance”……

Actually, whilst writing this I have unfortunately had to kill mister long-legs. He made the mistake of walking towards me after I asked him not to.

Anyway, about the other 2 spiders…… they were more like fucking beasts!! On walking into my bathroom I saw a thick, grey/brown-bodied, long and hairy-legged, BIG spider!! It certainly didn’t look English! I would have perhaps tried speaking to him in French (as I know some!) but I was too horrified and was trying much harder not to shit myself. On calling for assistance, I received an incredibly generous “no”. If that wasn’t scary enough, when I screamed this killer spider started lifting the front of his body up and throwing his two front legs (if that’s what they were!) forwards. I have no idea what this means as spider+me generally = spiders immediate death, so of course I took this as a sign he now wanted to kill me. I screamed again for help and this time, the horrible spider decided that he would start going down his web to reach the toilet seat, and in my mind, try and murder me. In retrospect he was probably scared, but at this moment, on his way down, I hit him with my shoe. To make the situation worse, a lot of his insides flew onto the back of the toilet and I watched the spider slowly slide down the back of it, dead. Ever since then I now have to check the toilet before I can even think of having a piss!

Today, I wake up at around 10.30am. I look up to the ceiling and see a nasty, black, hairy blob. On closer inspection it reveals itself to be……. ANOTHER FUCKING SPIDER!!! Have they not had enough of tormenting me! Out of fear, I watch the little shit walk all the way around the room on the ceiling before it stops above the bathroom door which is exactly where I want to be. After spending an hour and a half staring at the horrible thing in fright (and taking a few pictures!) I decide to kill him by using my trusty magazine. As the (i hope) corpse fell down I felt relief…… until I couldn’t find it. And now I have images of a spider with disgusting, busted-up legs, crawling towards me for revenge whilst I sleep.

Let this be a warning to any other spiders hiding around me….. come near me and I’m not afraid to squash you!!!

And here is a picture of the nasty thing…….

Evil spider....