June 3

Ok, so I intend to go swimming this week and as much as I LOVE it there are many dangers to look out for when entering the pool. (Or at least there is for me….. I think I must have OCD or something.) Here are the things that I think we should all take care of……

1. Ominous yellow patches of water/children or adults standing still in a SWIMMING pool with a look of relief on their face – yes, a bit of a cliché but we all know it happens. Let’s just make sure that we don’t decide to swim under water in a spot where a person has been standing for 15 seconds looking happy before making a quick exit. That is water I can definitely do without swallowing.

2. Plasters – this one is important for me. I often have many horrifying daydreams of standing on a blood/puss/whatever stained manky, vomit-inducing plaster. Again this probably relates to the possible (minor) case of OCD, but this is something that really makes me feel like puking when I just think about it. Preferably try swimming in the deep end where your feet don’t have to touch the bottom of the pool. Or, for or the offenders out there, STOP SWIMMING WITH YOUR GROSS FUCKING PLASTER ON!!! Or you better be a fast swimmer to avoid the remains of my lunch which I will be sure to send in your direction.

3. For women – look out for the boy of around 12/13 that you see in every swimming pool who seems to always be swimming around you, underneath the water, WITH his goggles on. He always has that look of excitement on his face, like he has made a new discovery, and often seems to need to spend 5 minutes standing in the water before he can leave the pool…… yes, we all know what he’s doing, and we should all swim away before any more ominous liquids arrive in the water :-/

4. Be aware of those annoying “proper” swimmers who yes, we all know you have good technique, but somehow seem to lose their sense of sight and swim into people every single fucking minute. It really isn’t hard to look where you’re going. And funnily enough, when you can see AND hear other people in the pool, it’s safe to say that there ARE other people in the pool. So go back to the part of the pool that is sectioned off FOR you, you greedy, show-off, arseholes.

5. Finally, take care of the group of young teenage boys, normally 5 or 6 in total, who spend an entire hour jumping in the pool right next to your fucking head, getting out, jumping in again, getting out, jumping in, over and over and over. Apart from the fact that I do actually like having a head, it is also really annoying when I keep getting splashed in the face because, after the 30th time jumping in, they still feel the need to do it again. Adding to that, be especially careful of the one morbidly obese boy in the group whose splash you can feel from the other end of the pool. If he lands on you, it’s game over.

The best advice I can give is to try staying in the jacuzzi where the annoying kids/swimmers are less likely to go. Unless you are in France however, where from personal experience I have witnessed one young teenage boy laying his cock against the jets of water……. as you can imagine, I retreated back into the dangers of the normal pool which I considered to be far safer, and cleaner.

From my own (unfortunate) experiences, I think it is fair to say that swimming is a very dangerous sport…….