August 20

This is going to be a short post compared to the last “homicide-fest” which took 3 weeks to write, and I wanted to write something to show that I REALLY am NOT neglectful of sharing my rubbish and nonsense with everyone, so I decided to write about a fight I had recently with an evil wasp!!

Despite what anyone may tell me, the “empty” wasp nest outside MY fucking window (of course!) is far from “empty” and can only be called “empty” if “empty” actually means totally fucking “full” and BURSTING with wasps!

It all started about 4 weeks ago when the weather was actually hot in England….. I know, that is the first shocker in the story! I had left my window open all night so I could actually get to sleep and I remember being woken because something touched my face. As I started to come back to reality and leave Matt Damon behind (the dream wasn’t rude, I assure you!), I could suddenly hear this really fucking loud “BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ”, and as I began to open my eyes I could just see this small thing that looked like a wasp hovering about 2cm from my nose. Unsurprisingly, I went from totally asleep to wide a-fucking-wake in less than one second, springing from the bed onto the floor so fast I didn’t even realise what was happening. When I looked to the bed he had gone and flown out the window, never to return……. or so I thought.

Because 2 days later, the bastard returned! I was tired and had decided to get an early night at around 1.30am (yes, that is often early for me!), and with my teeth brushed, make-up removed and Pj’s on I got nicely into bed, rolled on to my right side and leant over to turn off my lamp and then….. froze. Because having left my window open again (as it was bloody hot!) the wasp had flown in again and was sitting (or whatever it is they do!) on MY curtain, to which he has NO right to do! So I put the light on again and thought of all my options. I could try and do the old glass trick and put him outside? But no, that wouldn’t work as he was resting on my curtain which is not a hard surface and he’d therefore be able to get out leaving him pissed off and angry and me at a high risk of getting stung! So I decided on the “death by magazine” option! I found a hard magazine, rolled it up tight, went near Evil Waspy who clearly guessed at what I was doing, dodged my attack and flew at my face! I am ashamed to say that I ran because I am completely terrified of wasps. I can deal with most bugs and insects having lived in the countryside, but wasps and spiders, as far as I’m concerned, are evil and I would like for all of them to just fuck off and die!

But anyway, I ran out of my room, pulling the door shut which I could then hide behind and use as protection. Evil Waspy then decided to fly around the room for a while, flying directly toward my face with venom in his eyes as well as his sting, keen on stinging me to death, I’m sure! After some time I opened the door to which he was missing. The time now was 2.30am. So that was an hour less sleep than I wanted. But I wasn’t worried as I normally slept around then, and as Evil Waspy had flown away I could get straight to sleep. I got into bed calmly again, rolled onto my right, turned off my lamp and…….. froze.

THE BASTARD WAS HIDING BEHIND THE FUCKING CURTAIN!!!! So I sprung out or bed again, turning on the lights, grabbed my magazine, swung for Evil Waspy, missed, screamed and ran away as he came flying towards my face. He then, like before, did his little victory lap, rubbing it in, the bastard!

I then began to consider any other options available to me so I could just go to fucking SLEEP!! I could just turn the lights off and go to sleep. Seemed pretty good, but the downside to that is that with an angry, pissed, evil wasp flying around my chances of getting stung were pretty fucking high for my liking! So, I could sleep in my brothers old room instead. Downside to that being that my brother had sleep in there a week ago for 2 nights, the sheets had not been washed since, and my brother sweats something awful during the night. So sleeping in my brothers stinky sweat was NOT at ALL appealing. The third option was to sleep in the spare room, on the bed in there. Downside being that the dog obviously liked this bed a bit TOO much and had subsequently done his business on it and left his chef-sauce as a reminder. It might have only been on the bedspread, but the thought of it was enough to make the floor seem like the comfiest option!

The last option, and only option really, was to fight Evil Waspy. So I ran in the room swinging my magazine all over the place, hoping to knock the bastard down! I was dodging his attacks, screaming loudly the whole time with fright, until I felt like I had to retreat! The last I saw of him, he was flying down in the direction of my lamp that is next to my bed. After 15 minutes of being a wimp on the other side of the door, I came back in my room for Evil Waspy not be found. 10 more wimpish minutes later and I decided to check in that corner next to my bed where I had last seen him, turfing through all of my things only to find no wasp. He wasn’t even hiding behind MY curtain!

So I could finally sleep!……… At 4.10am………. 2 hours and 40 minutes after I originally tried to………. Evil Waspy had a lucky escape!

2 days later, however, I’m sitting in my bed one morning when I hear a buzzing noise at my right. When I looked down, who should be hovering next to me but Evil Waspy! After he flew at my face for about 5 minutes making me hide behind the door again like a coward, he made the tragic (for him) and lucky (for me) mistake of landing on my window. Well, no wasp has ever survived my shoe and Evil Waspy was yet another casualty to the homicidal tendencies of my old trainer. After his body fell onto the windowsill I put a glass over him and left him there to show my boyfriend that this wasp should never have fucked with me! Evil Waspy is kind of a reminder to others not to dare enter my room is they want to carry on their evil lives.

I know some of you may think that it couldn’t be the same wasp. And you’re right, maybe it wasn’t him. But yet I KNOW it was him! He was taunting me, the evil little shit!

Euuughhh……. I hate wasps……. :-/

BUT, in honour of my victory and in memory of Evil Waspy, I will, probably for the first AND last time, put a photo of the horrible creatures on my blog :)

Evil Waspy, this is for you! (you bastard!)

One of those evil wasps.......