September 6

Ok guys, allow me to get back to what I do best……. MOAN! Anyone who reads me must have noticed that moaning about things is more of a skill of mine than a trait! The only difference is that I’m not moaning about any of you needing to empty the dishwasher or put away your dirty pants. No, I like to moan about anything EXCEPT that! Granted, what I am saying isn’t exactly the equivalent of Aphra Behn or William TURDSworth (yes, I hate fucking romanticism even though I grudgingly admit Wordsworth is a genius) but what is life without a bit of random nonsensical bollocks. Therefore I will do my best to be as cutting and cynical as usual and if I dare forget to use as many “fucks” than usual than please forgive me!

Soooooooo, my title must be a little confusing at the moment. “Attack Of The Clones and NOT Star Wars” eh?? Well, never fear mes amis because what I am talking about you will all have come in contact with at some point. Some will ADORE it and be a completely obsessive psycho about it whilst others will endure the bouts of sick that frequently enter their mouths at the sights and sounds of such things. Because what I am referring to is ANYTHING that has originated from the fucking “Disney Channel” over the last 10 years OR anyone as astonishingly SHITE as Justin-looks 12 and has 20 year old friends-Bieber!

And please, let me just say now that I mean no offence to anyone that likes this kind of thing. If you do, it just might be a good idea to stop reading now!

So where to start in this tirade, eh??!! Maybe we can start with “Hannah Montana”. A show about a teenage school girl named “Miley Stewart” who, of course, goes to school in the day and then a night she becomes the famous pop singer “Hannah Montana”…. er….. of course??? I may be wrong as I haven’t subjected myself to watching every episode of each series but I’m sure it is definitely possible to go to school, come home, go somewhere else in the country (maybe?) or at least state, perform in a concert, go home and get up for school? Or does she just perform on weekends?? That doesn’t leave a lot of room for homework, does it? I’m sure it’s ok though because when she drops out of school in the show due to shite grades at least it won’t be because she’s pregnant or something like that which occurs in a lot of shows these days! Oh yeah, but that won’t happen will it because we are in the unrealistic la-la land of Disney where we would probably be expected to believe that Unicorns existed if they told us to. So obviously it is totally believable that “Miley Stewart” has 2 lives, yeah. Unfortunately I DID watch one episode of “Hannah Montana” or it would have been wrong to have judged the show. Well, I watched it so I’m going to fucking judge it! THE ACTING, oh my god, THE ACTING! How can I explain it you?!! Basically, they are constantly changing their facial expressions between over-exagerrated surprised, :-O, happy :-), sad :-(, Unsure :-/, and Confused :-S. Not to mention the biting of the lip and the cheesy “shoulder-shrug”. And with their voices they do best the style of “over-exaggeration” again. Especially on cheesy lines like “You’re my BEST friend” and all that bollocks. Oh, and in case you don’t laugh there is plenty of canned laughter to reassure you that it IS funny so you can laugh as well :) How could I forget also that apart from “Miley Stewarts” close friends and family she has concealed her identity. That is SOOOOOOO believable in a time where we have all this technology and everything. Well, seeing as there has been more than one scandal about Miley Cyrus with pictures apparantly being leaked to the internet she probably wished things were as simple as in “Hannah Montana”! Personally, I’m not a fan of Miley Cyrus OR her music. I think that seeing as she isn’t 18 years old yet her image is a little too sexualised. And the sad thing is that she seems to think that dressing in that way is cool, not to mention it is most likely being used as a way to sell her records. The thing is though that really, it’s not cool. Knowing your music is good enough to sell without taking your clothes off in music videos is what IS cool. Keeping her dress on hasn’t stopped anyone liking Florence Welch any less!

Cloning on, what about the “Jonas Brothers”. Well, they are an American POP boy band who seem to make songs and dress and dance as if they were making rock music which they probably think they are. Only problem with that is that they are seriously missing the “rock” element in rock music! In actual fact, they are just a cleaner, cheesier, “purer” version of Busted who I also did NOT like. Unsurprisingly enough they actually did their own version of Busted’s “Year 3000″, but OBVIOUSLY making the lyrics cleaner. They then starred in “Camp Rock”, with another Disney clone: Miss Demi Lovato!! And ultimately it seems that “Camp Rock” is more “Camp Squeaky-Clean-Pure-Cheese Pop!”. And of course, like in EVERY Disney movie, there must be a happy ending that is very much UNLIKE life itself. The love blossoms and one of those Jonases falls in love with no other than Demi Lovato! Yup! No one must have seen that coming! Full of clichés about “not fitting in” and a storyline about a guy (Joe Jonas) hearing a voice and spending the entirety of the movie finding out the voice belongs to, you can’t really expect to come away from it with “Inception” style wonder and a tired brain from all the thinking you will surely do after! (After Inception I mean, obviously!) Aside from all this, it appears that “Camp Rock” has all the cheesy scenes required for any Disney movie, such as group dancing and singing. Basically the kind of the thing that is so rich in stuck-on, arrogant smiles and, as in “Hannah Montana”, shows you every “smiley” that you can see on any Instant Messenger plastered on the faces of the cast. And don’t forget that song by “Demi Lovato” where she sings about how being famous won’t change her. And then she dyed her hair, wore a mask of make-up and was airbrushed until she almost didn’t look real, like every other celeb. Nice to see her sticking to her guns, there!

Another one is Selena Gomez. Another one who started from “Disney”. However, I don’t have many bad things to say about her. I have done some research, including that of listening to some of her music. I’m not going to lie. I didn’t like it. But she isn’t so fake-looking and annoyingly smug like all those other Disney clones. So far then Selena is not bad…..

But, before I finish, I cannot forget the cracker that is “High School Musical”. Yup, as I have explained in a previous article, “High School Musical” is my idea of hell. Smug, arrogant, airbrushed kids who are cheesier than “Roquefort” and in large doses can cause the same disastrous reaction can sometimes make me speechless that something so incredibly SHITE can be so popular. But then I look at the audience of these movies and it all makes total sense. Girls in their twenties who like The Clash and The Smiths like me are clearly not going to appreciate these smarmy looking kids with bleached teeth that are so white it’s like looking into the fucking sun, dancing on a whim simultaneously and singing at each other in a million different locations. And yes, I know, it’s a “musical” so clearly there will be singing. But I don’t have to like fucking musicals do I?! Especially musicals with dancing, cringe-inducing kids! I will DEFINITELY include the trailer for the “High School Musical” movies, including the third one which I showed in a previous article. Why will I show it again? It’s just too fucking funny not to! Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens must be Disney’s most popular love story!

Now, as I conclude, I do want to say I have absolutely nothing against any of these people personally, nor do I have an issue with Disney (well, not a big one!) But for me, these movies are exactly the sort of thing I hate. Programs like “Heman” or “Thundercats” stopped being made because people felt that because they included violence it was bad for kids to see. Like I explained in another article, in these shows the good guys always won and at least it prepared kids, if only slightly, for the shit that happens in the world. There is no way I can say that these Disney movies are better! All the messages in the films are about accepting people for who they are, understanding the importance of friendship and loyalty and love. Yes, they are great things to show children, but these movies take these ideas and shove them into the faces and down the throats of anyone that dares watch them! It’s too much of this “la la land” (that Demi Lovato sings about!) that makes the world seem perfect(ish) as long as someone believes in you and you have your “best friend”, that of course being said with a sickening tone and nauseating wide-eyed over-acting! In small doses it would be fine. Well, for those interested. To the extent it is, it’s a fucking joke! Disney movies and its stars seem to be taking over the world these days :-/

But for those reading this who feel the same as me, I apologise for what I am about to subject you to. And, if you are too fragile to survive the following clips then I understand if you prefer to stop now! However, if you have suffered through this article full of “High School Musical” and the like, let’s all take a moment together to appreciate real movies and artists. Whether that be “The Clash”, “Queen” or whatever/whoever you feel deserves these precious moments. Real Rock will never die. “Camp Rock” probably already has by now though.

Couldn’t find High School Musical 1, so you’re spared that one :)

“Just know that I believe”…… Hahahahahaha!