April 28

All of us like going out to eat in a restaurant because it means we get to enjoy a lovely meal without having to make it ourselves and clean the plates afterwards! And before I start moaning I want to say that GENERALLY I enjoy the experience and I, like everyone, have a favourite restaurant…… or restaurants! But there are some things, or people, that piss me RIGHT off and ruin the entire experience for me and for my boyfriend as he ends up spending the whole meal telling me to calm down.

First annoying thing is when you’re placed on a table in the shittiest place you can even imagine. Like so far in the back you can’t see anyone or anything anymore, it all looks totally different and you start wondering if you somehow wandered into Narnia. Or when they stick you right in the middle of where everyone walks and you constantly get a load of knobheads bumping into you all the time. But the worst is when you get sat right next to the toilet. Because seriously, what is it with people having a shit in restaurant toilets! You’ve just eaten! It cannot have digested that quickly! Or do people just save it up before they come out just so they can drop the bomb at the restaurant and not stink their own houses out? Or do they eat and then just decide to sit until it’s digested so they can shit in the restaurant toilets because they know they shouldn’t have had the spicy curry as it never agrees with them and causes an explosion so bad they prefer to pebble dash the restaurant’s toilet bowl then their own? Fuck knows. All I know is that they need to stop fucking shitting in restaurant toilets you dirty bastards because there’s nothing that puts you off your food more than the waft of shit that is sent your way every 15 minutes. And a side note here, when did women get so disgusting? I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve gone to the loo to find the floor covered in piss which should have gone in the loo. How do they manage that? We sit for fuck sake! Or is it poor old women? And what is the aversion to flushing the toilet? I’m sick of going to the loo and having to flush away some other woman’s piss because she’s left the loo without flushing! Don’t they do it at home? Flush the fucking toilet!

Anyway, let’s move on from that as it’s making me a bit queasy and let’s focus on the annoying people that sit around you when you’re eating. So annoying people number 1: the family where the parents let their nightmare of a child run around the restaurant pissing people off. How many times have you tried to enjoy your meal when some irritating child, whose parents are the sort to have have called him something ridiculous like ‘butterfly’, keeps running into you and your table, screaming and running his dirty, sticky hands all over your coat on the back of your chair while his parents just say calmly ‘now come on, stop that. Stop it now. Just stop it. Come back. No, come back. No don’t touch that person’s coat. No I said don’t touch it. Come back and eat your nuggets. No, don’t pull your pants down.’ It makes you want to turn to the kid and say ‘Sit the fuck down. Shut the fuck up and eat your fucking food you little shit!’ And then tell the parents that on the third calm ‘come back’ the kid is clearly not listening to you so do everyone else a favour and go and get your child, tell them to sit down and to be quiet as no one else wants to hear them and warn them that if they scream or get down from their chair they’ll have no pudding or you’ll take their DS away or something. Because everyone has paid to enjoy a meal out, not to put up with your badly behaved child. I never would have been able to do that when I was a kid! If I had dared to scream or run around annoying people my parents would have given me one warning before marching me back to my chair, telling me off saying that on else wants to hear me and possibly punishing me. Thing is though, I never even tried because I was brought up properly. So these people get on my nerves massively!

Annoying people number 2: the people that sit behind you and seem to think that all the space is theirs. When you arrive they are sitting with their chair pushed back so far their legs are stretched out with the back of their chair against yours. When they see you coming, instead of pulling their chair in they do nothing until you ask and even when you ask they only pull their chair in a tiny bit. You can just about put your coat on the back of your chair and the moment you sit down they push their chair back against yours and are constantly banging about in their chair which makes you bang about in yours. So I just do the same thing back and the funny thing is they never dare to mention it to you as they’re the ones who started it so eventually they pack it in. But still, how fucking selfish can you be! Arseholes.

Annoying people number 3: The young couple on the table next to you that sit there stroking each others hands and faces, gazing into each others eyes, kissing each others hands and actually leaning over their table to have a kiss. Just stop it will you! Save it for when you get home! These people are in the middle of foreplay right next to you while you’re trying to eat! I love my boyfriend but in a restaurant we just chat about games and other geeky things and save all that for when we’re home. I don’t think other people want to see me licking my boyfriend’s face so why do these people think we want to see them doing it? Again, just stop it.

Annoying people number 4: We all know this group. It all starts off well. It’s quiet, you can all hear each other ok. Then a table of 8 comes in of 40 year old women all dressed as if they’re 20, all with bob haircuts and dyed blonde hair. Their faces are covered in make up but their skin is awful because they smoke and tan themselves all the time and they spend the next 3 hours shrieking and cackling like a load of fucking witches while swearing all the time and being generally vulgar. I know I swear on here. I’ll admit that. But I wouldn’t go out in public shouting so everyone else can hear about my muff and how some guy bashed it in like these women do. I mean, you’re supposed to leave something to the imagination yet by the end of the night most blokes in the restaurant know about the condition of their muffs and how many blokes they’ve had. And I’m not saying all women who look like this behave like this. They don’t. I’m just talking about the ones that do. So to these ones they should at least try and keep their voices down a bit so I can keep my dinner down.

Annoying people number 5: This is the last on the list. It’s when the table next to you is full of middle aged and middle to upper class people who think they are better than everyone else in the restaurant. If you catch their eye they look down their noses at you yet they all talk about utter shit! They’re the sort of people that talk without really saying anything other than pompous, pretentious shite. Yeah, I don’t know a lot about French wine but I can ask about it in French because unlike you, I actually speak the language.

I know I moan about people all the time and can actually be quite awful but I’m just venting. I’d never behave like any of these people when I’m out, not even swearing and I always help people if I can. People who are lost or need to ask directions or anything, I do my best. I should be paid by the Eurostar people really for all the times I’ve directed people where to go to get on the right coach! I just get sick to death of selfish and rude people who don’t give a shit about others. So there. Rant’s over.

If anyone has thought of anything I might have missed, let me know in the comments!