February 2

I don’t know how to survive pain and illness. Hence the question mark in the title. Or I guess I do in some way as I’ve been sick before and I’m not dead so I obviously found a way……. So maybe this post is more about finding a BETTER way to survive them because letting myself get so bad I tell my boyfriend I want to jump out the window probably doesn’t help!

Let’s start with pain! I don’t have a good tolerance for pain. Actually scrap that as I suffer every day so I must have a good tolerance of it. In fact, I have a low tolerance of EXTRA pain. I wrote a post a few years ago on my health issues but I’ll just summarise quickly for those who haven’t read it. I have a health condition which means my connective tissue – the stuff holding joints and all that shit together – is too loose. It’s a collagen defect. This means more injuries, dislocations, subluxations, other health problems and general pain and fatigue.

I can sleep for 12 hours and still wake up tired. My back is too hypermobile meaning it’s prone to injury. My body’s response – tense up all the muscles around it!! Result being my back is stiff and achy everyday and all down my spine are millions of knots in my muscles like golf balls. So I have 2 choices – do exercises to loosen my back and injure it all the time or leave it stiff and have a knotted, painful back everyday. My poor boyfriend has to be the one to clean the floor all the time as if I do it, having to bend over for an hour, I will spend the next day wanting to cry in pain.

My too flexible hips means I have chronic bursitis in both hips. I have torn the ligament in one knee a million times because it’s too flexible also. I also have hypermobile shoulders, 1 shoulder hangs lower than the other and the muscles have atrophied in it. Every few months 1 of my shoulders will hurt and go stiff for about 2 weeks meaning agony if I sleep on it or move it. I’m pretty sure it subluxed yesterday.

And all of this conspires against me. I can’t bear to stand for more than one hour or walk for over 1 hour as my ankles begin to ache, my knees start hurting, my bursitis kicks off and then my back is fucked. So if I foolishly go out for a big day out and have few breaks I will pay for it BIG TIME in the following days. And that isn’t all. Being born faulty and too flexible like this can cause lots of other problems, including for girls horrendously painful periods! It also makes you have to fidget – people like me cannot bear to stay in one position for too long as you start to hurt within as little as 15 minutes. At school I was constantly told off for this. Now I know it isn’t my fault. So FUCK YOU!!!

Thing is, I have all this shit going on all the time. And my back is fucked all the time. There are so many other people who have other horrible illnesses that make them suffer all the time. How to cope……. I suppose it comes with acceptance. In my case, there is no cure. So if I want my life this shit comes with it. End of. Of course it’s not easy. Some days I’m so fed up I cry and tell my boyfriend I can’t do it anymore e.t.c. Then the next day I’ll be ok again. Mindfulness (as you know I’m trying out) teaches you to be fully aware of you pain, accept it as it is and try not to judge it and you suffer less. I’ve tried it and sometimes it helps and other times not. I guess it will come with practice. But in the meantime it means my life will always involve a painful back and I can’t do much else about it.

So yeah, I must deal with pain pretty well! Problem is when something else crops up. For most people who don’t suffer with pain often, a sore, growing wisdom tooth is an inconvenience but nothing more. For me, I think I have enough pain already! I’m on the edge of coping! So for me, a sore, growing wisdom tooth is the straw that broke the camel’s back. It’s the end of the world! Because I already feel like my pain quota is full! I don’t need extra shit! So this is the thing I really don’t know how to deal with. If anyone else does, let me know!

For illnesses (and by that I’m talking about colds, flu, sick bugs e.t.c in this case) it’s a bit easier. I catch every cold going. I’ve only got to look through a fucking window and see someone with one and I’ve got it! And I always get nasty ones. Sick bugs I get rarely. But these last 2 months have been particularly cruel to me. I had 2 colds at the start of december. A sick bug at the end of december that lasted 1 whole fucking week, and just 1 week after the sick bug was over I got a terrible cold. And right now, I have a horrific headache that flares up and hurts so bad it’s like someone is stabbing me in the side of my head.

Surviving these are easier. For me, it’s just a matter of time. In a few days they’re over and I’m back to normal! Remembering that always helps! Then it’s just distraction! I read lots of books, watch lots of TV shows and movies and play the xbox :-) Perfect!

There’s nothing like shooting an arrow through the head of some bandit scum from a few feet away to make you feel better! And immersing yourself in TV shows are great too. My boyfriend and I finished The Sopranos not long ago (which I’m writing a post about – the ‘big post’!) which I thought was incredible. We just finished Band of Brothers which was…… I don’t even know the word to describe it. Mesmerising? So sad and happy and everything in between. I’m watching Breaking Bad as my boyfriend nagged me to watch it and now I’m really into it! I’m at the start of the fourth series and I’m starting to suspect that maybe at some point Hank is going to figure out that Walt is Heisenberg……. Don’t tell me though! Don’t tell me! In fact, if anyone comments I’ll have to get my boyfriend to check it first just in case!

And I’m also right at the start of Mad Men. I quite like so I’ll see if after time it becomes one of my favourites or not.

Anyway, that was quite a digression! And I need to go now as this headache is beginning to get worse and is threatening to become a migraine so it’s time for a rest and a lie down! If anyone has any tips on dealing with pain or even about TV shows worth watching, leave it in the comments :-)

I hope you all have a pain free day!