October 10

Let’s start this post with a warning: There WILL BE a lot of swearing in this post because this is about something that pisses me off. If you don’t like this, best close the page and move on as you certainly won’t enjoy what’s to come.

So…. the cinema. Most of us enjoy going to the cinema right? AND THAT IS THE FUCKING PROBLEM! Because most people shouldn’t be allowed in the place until they’ve had lessons in manners and etiquette. I mean, you’re going to watch a film with a load of other people who want to the see film as well so having a bit of respect isn’t a big ask.

Here would be my rules for entry:

Entry is only permitted if:

1) You don’t have a problem that only magically seems to happen when you sit in a cinema seat that involves you having to randomly and repeatedly kick your leg out into the chair in front or throw yourself back into your own chair. ¬†Every. 15. seconds.

2) You know how to eat with your mouth closed.

3) You actually know how to whisper.

That’s not too much to ask, is it?!!!!

I mean, let’s start with the eating….. I get it. It’s nice to enjoy popcorn. I like popcorn. But I also like eating it with my mouth closed like I do everywhere else because my parents taught me manners! I don’t know if these pigs eat like it in restaurants too or if they just do it because they’re in the dark and no one can see them. Either way, no one wants to hear their mouths smacking together over and over again! I’ve gone to the cinema, not a fucking PETTING ZOO!!!

And then the talkers…. I can deal with whispering…. but what is it with people who want to have full, loud conversations about the film DURING THE FILM! Do that at the end like everyone else! Or there’s the people who jump during a movie and then decide to spend the next two minutes talking and laughing about how they jumped. Here’s an idea for them: SHUT THE FUCK UP! No one else in the fucking room cares that you almost shat yourself! I’m not going to turn round and join in and ask if you fucking turtled!!! It’s like everyone thinks their opinion is so interesting they have to share it. He’s a revelation for them. Really, no one gives a fuck. SHUT UP!

And finally, what is with the seat kickers who feel the need to kick your seat every 15 seconds……. REALLY! Don’t you just hate it when one of them sits behind you and immediately you keep getting jogged in your fucking chair. I mean do these people have leg-tourettes? Do they have issues in their jobs? Sitting in meetings kicking the teas and biscuits off the table? Or standing in a shop kicking the customers? Because if that’s the case I hope none of them are fucking taxi drivers! I doubt this is the case so why is it when they go to the cinema they decide to be the complete cock of the room! And we all sit there and say nothing because you don’t want to end up in a fight but we all just sit there saying this inside….

So please, let’s integrate these rules into our local cinemas to enjoy movies in a dickhead-free zone! :-)