February 20

Let me just start with this: Obviously if you’re reading my articles, you’re clearly not stupid! (wink wink!) Or maybe you are…. it’s not for me to say. And if you were, you probably wouldn’t realise anyway so don’t try and figure it out. And please don’t make any contact with the rest of humanity. PLEASE.

…… Don’t worry. I am teasing! But we have all encountered those people where you don’t just facepalm. You’re face-palming, eyes-rolling all around your head, sighing so hard you make a weird noise, so much at once you start to come across like the total thicko you are dealing with. Does it sound familiar? Because this is my life. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Oh my god…… am I becoming one of them?

Anyway….. let me explain. My job, and aren’t I a lucky one, is to deal with the public. That’s YOU! Except mostly it’s a you after a lobotomy. I would say I was well-paid for what I do but after doing this a year I understand why it’s well-paid….. it’s basically a trap. It’s not sales thank god, because I’m not sure how I could sell something to someone who’s British-born and struggles with English. No, I work in the travel industry. I will help arrange your trip, change it if necessary and help (HA!) you with any issues you have. And I feel my day goes exactly the same as that of a nursery school teacher.

I have been amusing my Frog with tales of my work life for a while now and I thought maybe it was time to share some with you as part of a series on the utter idiocy of humanity and why we are all doomed. Because we are. I have literally no idea how these people make it to such ages without dying.

Please, please, if you’ve had similar experiences and have any funny stories to share, feel free to leave me a comment to keep me from giving up like everyone else seems to have done.

Let’s begin!

1) Asking me a question, that includes the answer you know you’re going to get, and expecting a different answer.

Here’s a common example: “Hi there. I checked and I know I have a non-refundable ticket but I don’t want to travel any more so can I get a refund?”

Hmmmm….. What a tough one to throw at me on a monday morning! Gosh…. let me think about that one…. wow….. let me just…. NO TWAT. NO. You know it’s a no so why the fuck are you wasting my time?!

And then it’s followed by “Ok, well I see it is exchangeable with a fee. Can I just change it for free though as I think that’s a bit too much to expect someone to pay?”

Wow…. you’re really hitting me with tough ones aren’t you?! I’m just going to….. NO. FUCKING NO. NO.

And at this point you get this gem “Ok, then I’d like to speak to your manager about this.”

Yes. No problem. When you booked your travel with us you agreed to the terms and conditions, that it was non-refundable and exchangeable with a fee, which is the contract you have with us, terms and conditions decided and agreed on by the bigwigs in the company that our managers expect us to enforce so the bigwigs stay happy. So yes, let’s put you through to the person telling us to and making sure we enforce our terms and conditions that you signed up to. Because that way, you’re bound to have a different answer!

call centre


2) The people that contact you with no information. And then moan like it’s your fault.

These people are never satisfied. They will have to wait 20 minutes to get through to you and when they finally do and you ask for their information, they then spend 10 minutes telling you they had it ready but not any more because they had to wait so long to get through and blah blah blah. Basically, you’re annoyed you spend 10 minutes of your precious time waiting to talk to me, but you didn’t bother to prepare. How about you stop wasting my time dickhead and call back when you’re actually fucking ready!

These are people that will also complain at waiting for 3 minutes…. because heaven forbid the world stopped revolving around them for one moment and some poor fucking blind guy who can’t do it online actually has to fucking call us. Yeah, fuck that guy! Let me help you, not because you can’t do it online but because you’re fucking lazy.

And then you have the same people call who come straight through to you, no waiting at all, and they aren’t prepared and moan that they weren’t expecting to not have to wait! How terrible of me for being so damn efficient! I’ll fuck about next time if you like?!

Or… and this is just a theory and a CRAZY one at that, how about actually calling with the information I’ll need to help you? I know, I know, it’s really out there but maybe try it once?

And in case you’re wondering how I know it’s the same people….. it’s because we have all your details and we remember you arseholes. And everyone else knows you too. Because if you’ve been a dick to anyone in your life, you’re known as the wanker and everyone will refer to you as such. Doh!

3) People who call you to book tickets 3 days before travel. Then want to spend 15 minutes arguing about prices.

Here’s the thing. You’re calling to book for a journey in 3 days time. Our systems work where it’s more expensive when availability goes down. And I have explained this to you. Twenty. Fucking. Times. So why do you think that if you keep repeating to me that you think it’s ridiculous I’m going to say “Yeah you’re right! We sell shit but let’s not bother with a fucking pricing system! Let’s just write off money and let people travel for £5! That will keep the business running, the business you told me use all the time to visit family!”

I don’t decide shit!

How about it isn’t ridiculous. That’s just how it is.  WE’RE A FUCKING BUSINESS. Take it or fuck off and ideally fuck off.

call centre 3]


4) And then there’s these people.

When you know some poor fuck is on lates, they’re tired and hungry and they want to go home, how about you don’t be a complete and utter inconsiderate ARSEHOLE and call 1 minute before closing to enquire about doing the most complicated and long-winded thing ever? Imagine if at 4.59 someone walked into your fucking office and said, “oh, you were thinking of leaving Bob? Sorry but I want to just spend the next 45 minutes talking about anything and understanding nothing so you feel like you’re talking to a wall until you feel like jumping out of a window? Oh no? You want to go home instead?”

Yeah. So does everyone else you fuck. Do it online or call in the morning.

So this was the first part and a little teaser of what’s to come. I will write Part 2 soon in more detail, but I hope this article will give you a flavour of how fucking annoying people are and encourage you to tune in for more :-)

Have a great weekend! And try not to bother some poor bastard who’s working instead of chilling at home like you!