April 2

I hope that it is no surprise to you all that I am following on from the last post. In the place I am now, writing about films, games or even books seems pointless, empty and inane when I’m struggling so much to find happiness and heal. So I wanted to talk more about my situation and what I’m finding so hard and perhaps there are those out there who can relate.

Let’s start with honesty. No, I don’t mean to go round telling your boss to shove it up their arse, or tell your girlfriend that her arse really does look big in those jeans. After all, you want to survive! Sometimes holding our tongue can be the right thing. Or how and when we say what we say can be important also. But why is it difficult to be honest about the important things? The only person who knew about how I’ve been feeling, and why, has been my partner and my counsellor. Both these guys have been helping me in their different ways. But I couldn’t bear to tell my parents, my brother and even my friends what is going on, and to date the last two still don’t know yet. It took until I lost my job for me to open up and say how I feel and it was so incredibly hard. But why? As my parents are two people who are supposed to unconditionally love me.

Given my past with my dad, as mentioned in the previous post, I knew what would be coming. Judgement and blame – “What did you do to get fired?” Doubt – “Is how you’re really that serious?” And that general awful feeling that I have not lived up to their expectations, I have disappointed them and I have failed them. To my surprise that didn’t happen. Not straight away anyway. Because despite me being deemed “not fit for work” by my GP, on antidepressants, relying on counselling and on top of all this getting the huge setback and rejection of being fired for these very things, I am now getting emails sending me jobs to apply for. And comments such as “well, once you fall of the horse you just get back up again!”

Every job I ever had either didn’t pay enough or wasn’t “worthy” enough. And I learnt that my worthiness in his eyes is based purely on my job and my wealth and nothing more and so in my current state I am failing him and so I feel that I’m failing myself. So he’s adding on the pressure for me to find a new job when I couldn’t even go to the one I just got fired for. He’s adding on the pressure when I have just admitted that as things stand I am struggling to go on. It doesn’t seem to matter how serious this is, I need a job now or he can’t handle it. He offers me financial support but no emotional support. If I could choose, I would rather have the latter but that isn’t open to me.

Worst of all, is that I am scared to be honest. I am scared to ask him to stop. For him to see the serious state I’m in and that I’m not in the right frame of mind. Because I can’t bear to be judged or criticised anymore, to be told I need to move on, because this would be a rejection of my feelings and I can’t bear to live it. I don’t want to hear that I’m not living up to his expectations so I suffer in a different way, by saying nothing and letting him pressurise me.

And of course, I feel guilt. How can I possibly ask him to stop pressurising me when he’s helping me pay the bills?

It is so hard to reconcile how someone who claims to love me can do and say things that hurt me so deeply. I said to my partner this evening that I don’t know how to carry on a relationship with someone who tears me down and continues to do so despite the state I’m in. How can I stop taking it to heart?

I have had to hear many times how so-and-so my age is working in some great job with so much money e.t.c, all said to deliberately make me feel inadequate and not good enough. The sad thing is his expectations are partly why I’m the way I am and yet while claiming to want to help he heaps more on me.

As stated before, there are many things that I don’t feel comfortable mentioning so I hope what I do decide to divulge is enough for this to make some kind of sense.

I just need to learn how to speak my mind more. To say no. To say how I really feel without feelings of guilt or shame. Already I am dreading telling my brother who I know would never judge me, because I feel ashamed. And I shouldn’t and it’s wrong. I should be able to turn to those that I love and ask for help without fear of what they’ll say because I suffer anyway in silence, but it is just so hard to open your heart again and again knowing that person is going to scar it.

I said before that I’m a work in progress and it’s true. I don’t have the answer but I’m on the journey to find out what it is. I know that I need to learn to make my own expectations of myself and forget the rest. Not be defined by what others expect of me whether it makes me happy or not. And I need to learn to be able to let the hurtful comments and actions go if I want to have any kind of relationship with my dad. Again though, easier said than done. Especially because I struggle with my pride and I want him to understand I don’t condone his behaviour. But I’ve tried every technique under the sun to get him to change and he never will. That’s a hard pill to swallow also.

Your parents equip with you a toolbox of knowledge, beliefs and values in life to help you deal with the shit that gets thrown your way. Well I feel that mine has a lot missing and what’s in it was damaged on purpose and now I’m trying to solve problems without the tools to fix them and I’m failing. I’m failing at life.

I’m angry. I’m so full of anger. But I know that I’m the answer to my own obstacles and I’m partially the cause.

And I’m trying and I’ve not given up. If you feel like me, don’t give up either.